I Will Kill Your Friends and Family to Remind You of My Love

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an business relationship of sexual corruption and may be triggering to some people.

"That's the affair about suicide. Endeavor as you lot might to call back how a person lived his life, you e'er finish upwardly thinking about how he ended it." ~Anderson Cooper

I know what it'south similar to want to die. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I know the sense of loneliness. I know the soul crushing despair and longing to fade into pettiness.

If you lot are reading this, then you know what I'm talking about. I'm not sure what brought you lot to the bespeak of wanting to die. Merely I know you don't have to make that appointment with death.

Death is forever. While you lot live, you accept the power to modify things, even if it feels impossible. Once y'all are gone, your choice is over.

History

My date with death started when I was xiii. Starting when I was four or five until I hitting the age of twelve, two separate men molested me on a regular basis.

When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. What I couldn't block out was the misery, acrimony, and hatred. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had abiding nightmares nearly men trying to impale me and about fires consuming me.

I was already dead inside, and so what was the betoken of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt zip only hurting and grief. I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every solar day. All day.

But did I actually want to die? Do you? I don't call up you really want to dice. I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep downwardly that was what I really wanted.

Destiny

One 24-hour interval, in my early twenties, I got to a signal where I couldn't acquit information technology anymore.

I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking signal. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning nether its weight. I had to decide.

I literally said to myself, "Carrie, you either kill yourself today or you need to do whatsoever you lot demand to do to get better, because this is no way to alive." That was the moment I decided to accept back control of my life.

Live or die? Which will you choose? I'm hoping that you cull to listen to what I'm saying and that you choose to live. I know your pain. I experience your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, then tin can you. You are non alone no matter how solitary you experience.

What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?

I have come up to believe there are iii common reasons people desire to kill themselves. Yous may place with one or with all of them. Personally, I accept contemplated suicide over all of 3.

Severe Pain Acquired by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Set on)

This type of pain is acute, but can likewise be chronic. It tin can exist a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you lot have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of state of war, so yous know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.

I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned in, you will practise anything to discover relief, and the idea of suicide will become your constant companion.

Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Expiry, Breakups)

When you get through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on y'all and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can pb you to contemplate doing something that you usually wouldn't do.

I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was really not who he said he was, and had not merely another girlfriend, but a married woman and a child.

I felt similar such an idiot considering I idea he really cared. I idea at that place must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me and so easily. I thought there was no betoken in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside tabular array. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.

Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)

This type of hurting is quite scary because it is a smart and well-idea-out hurting. It isn't rash and isn't a reaction to something that happened. This hurting is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there'due south no indicate to life.

Yes, I've felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until merely recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, "Maybe today is the 24-hour interval." I would brand plans for when and how I would exercise information technology. I would weigh the pros and the cons.

I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn't really in hurting. I was apathetic to the world around me and more than importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn't intendance about anything. I had no passion. Mayhap you empathise what I'm talking nearly.

So, What Practice You lot Exercise Instead?

For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to recollect virtually before yous swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin.

This Besides Shall Pass

Call up this saying, because information technology really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke upwards with your first dear and you thought would never honey once again? Y'all did.

The way that you are feeling right now will non last. Remind yourself that the awful feelings won't concluding forever.

Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren't Truthful

Practice y'all feel misunderstood? Do you feel similar no 1 really knows you, what you lot're most, or who you lot are down to your core?

I accept never actually had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I accept are men. I have ever wondered what information technology was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? I don't think I'm mean. Why didn't they like me?

I'm an INFJ personality type, which represents about ii percent of the population, which is another reason that people only don't get me. My personality is literally different than the majority of the world.

I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a business firm with a white lookout fence. Then, while most people I know are having grandkids, I'm yet living solitary and trying to effigy out my life. Some other reason I think no ane understands me: We don't desire the aforementioned things or accept the same goals.

But, what if I took all those negative, self-effacing thoughts about myself (I don't fit in, I'm kind of alone, and no 1 likes me) and turned them into positive thoughts? What if all those thoughts weren't really true?

What if they were something I had created to go on myself in a condom little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?

As I started to work on loving and accepting myself, I came to realize that I'm not for everyone, and that'southward okay! So what if everyone doesn't dearest you? So what if you don't take a ton of friends? Then what if you need to detect a place where y'all practice fit in, and so what if the honey of your life might be taking their time finding you?

Recollect what Dr. Seuss said, "Today you are you, that is truer than truthful. There is no ane alive that is Youer than You." There is only one you. Even if you don't believe information technology correct at present, you lot are special and unique, and you have a history and a story and talents that no ane else on the earth has.

At that place Are People Who Will Exist Devastated by Your Loss

I used to tell myself that my mom, sister, and friends really wouldn't intendance if I was gone. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. I would tell myself that anybody would say, "Oh, that'south so sad" and but go on with their lives.

But over again, this can't exist any further from the truth. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because yous will exist gone, merely now your friends and family volition experience your pain for the rest of their lives. They volition wonder every day what they did incorrect. How they could take helped. Why they failed.

Is this the legacy you lot want to leave? Possibly you think no ane cares nearly you, simply exercise you care nearly them? Exercise you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?

If you commit suicide, y'all'll leave an enduring marking of pain and grief on those you have left behind. If y'all don't believe me, get read some stories from mothers, fathers, and sisters who accept had a loved 1 kill themselves.

Is There More to Exercise?

Is your time on this earth over? Practise y'all believe you have nothing to offering? What will people say afterwards you die? Information technology is more than than likely they will say, "How sad, such a waste." Is your death how you desire to exist remembered?

Even if you lot do non see your value, others do. Each one of the states is unique and has special talents. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. Maybe you don't know, and that's okay. The very human action of trying to figure it out volition bring some hope for the futurity.

For the longest fourth dimension I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, 1 day I realized that I have always had something to say (fifty-fifty if no i wanted to listen), and that became the roadmap for my new life.

One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything inverse. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it.

Your Life Doesn't Have to Feel Empty Forever

Mayhap your life feels empty today. But that doesn't hateful it has to feel empty forever. I spent years (more years than I intendance to admit to and more years than I should take) feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. This is an atrocious place to be, and I would never wish this on anyone else.

Just because I felt similar I was living a meaningless life for over xl years doesn't mean the rest of my life had to be that way. The past is the past.

Feeling lone and unfulfilled doesn't take to exist a forever suggestion. Information technology tin be a temporary landing if you desire it to exist.

If y'all feel empty and lonely, like your life has no meaning, and then I say to you lot, "What can you do to change it?" Try and focus your energy on what you can change, not what you can't change. I know information technology sounds corny and platitude', but every 24-hour interval is a new day to rewrite the story of your life.

Usually we don't know the answer to this question, which is why we stay stuck and hopeless. Anybody has something they dear to do, something that is their passion. Y'all accept ane too; you just don't know it withal. Find this passion. Search it out. Give your life some significant. Take yourself on a journey and notice out who y'all really are.

You lot Are Not Alone

Remember that although you are in pain, y'all are not the only one. Get online. Start talking to people. Phone call a suicide prevention hotline. Become to the forums and discover out what others accept washed to combat their feelings of loneliness and depression.

Do not let your thoughts run your life. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are non truth. Remember this. Feeling alone is a belief in your caput, and it isn't necessarily true. I know they feel like they ain you, but you have the power to have back your life and own your thoughts.

Find others who have struggled with your problems and ask them what they did and how they found some peace. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Why reinvent the wheel? If others have been able to succeed, learn from them.

Perhaps you demand a friend to talk to. Mayhap you need a support group. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you lot need a hobby. Maybe you need to detect something, annihilation that gives you the slightest glimmer of hope. Search. If you can't find whatsoever of those things, and so requite me a shout (carrie@acinglife.com), because my inbox is always open up.

There Are No Words

Maybe there are not plenty words or not the right words. Maybe nothing I can say will brand you modify your mind. Maybe I will fail at my chore, just I promise non.

I promise y'all have my words to heart and sympathise that I accept felt your pain, and not just for a few days or weeks or on occasion. I take felt your pain to the core of my beingness and to the depths of my soul, for years and years. I accept plotted my death likewise many times to count. Yet, I'm nevertheless here.

And then, every day is another chance for me to try to get others to understand that they are not lone, and that depression and loneliness are fixable weather condition. The human being condition is a cute, complex assortment of struggles. Yous are not alone in this.

Suicide is not the reply. Death is concluding. Just, yous my friend are reading this at present, and I believe y'all accept some hope, even if information technology's only a tiny footling glimmer. I believe you tin survive and that y'all will survive. I believe that, like me, yous tin can also be a phonation for change and promise.

Never give up. Every twenty-four hour period is a new twenty-four hour period to fight, and every day is a new solar day to recreate yourself.

If you are struggling please reach out for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255).

About Carrie L. Burns

Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. Every bit a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with low anxiety, low cocky-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she establish her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Cheque out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.

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